I hate you. You’re a fly that won’t die. You just keep banging your stupid head against the wall, against the window, against anything that gets in your way. So very annoying and unavoidable. Life, and you-the people I cannot bypass. The many weary souls who’ve tried to love me. Tried to reach out and touch me somehow. We keep colliding. I never let anyone in to stay, only little visits along the way. If they stay too long, I know they’ll meet you and then there will be another impossible price to pay.
You, dear sin, keep getting in the way. In my way. In the people’s way. I’ve yelled and screamed and broken things. All because of you. And this is my confession. I hate what you’ve done to me. To that little girl who used to be so sweet. The guilt is so heavy on her. Why do you hate anything good? That fall from heaven must have hurt. You never could get over it. So you settled on revenge?
I can’t blame you though, I know. These choices are my own. But I will take this shame you bring. I want to hold it for a while. Just long enough to learn and not forget again. And I’ll let you burn me this time, burn in my memory so I won’t forget that playing with you is like playing with fire. No, I won’t forget. I’ll remember your tricks.
You draw me in with your sweet crackling light. I want to feel you. I long to embrace you. And just when I think your safe, you consume me with your never-ending wrath. I’ve hurt good people over my curiosity for you. Good people, who did not deserve the pain. And you loved it. You sat back and laughed with amusement. “There she goes again! Ha Ha! I knew it.”
I wasn’t strong enough to tame you then. Well, I hope you’ve enjoyed your stay here and the many years you’ve sucked from my short life. You won’t be coming back again. Our time together has come to an end. And I know how much you hoped we’d end up together. I know how much you hate it and I don’t care. You’re sick. Who could ever change you now? I wish someone could get through to you and stop the never-ending war you started. But my door is closed now. You’ll have to find a weaker prey to taunt. I’ve learned the truth and I’m through with you.
And though your ashes still lie here around me and in the ripples of my little life, I’ll clean them up in time. Piece by piece. Day by day. And now you get to be the one betrayed, because I’m going to find your enemy and do whatever he says.
I’m going to help him stop you once and for all. Someone has got to end your madness. But before I jump the gun, I’ll throw myself down and beg for forgiveness and grace for playing for the wrong team without even realizing it. How foolish did I let myself become? I won’t ask for mercy, because that I don’t deserve. But if by chance it’s offered me, I’ll take it nonetheless-with my head held down because that’s how you should accept a gift you don’t deserve.
If it takes my whole life and every ounce of me: My youth, my beauty, my life, my sanity. I’ll give them back to You. They were never mine to begin with. So forgive me God and help me forgive myself.