Depression.

Anyone else ever battled this thing? It’s haunted me off and on since I was 14. I’ll be 27 this summer. I’m so sick of it. I’ve prayed it out, cast it out, pilled it out,  and it just keeps coming back. I’m so freggin tired. Any advice would be appreciated. I feel like sleeping all the time and am just not myself lately. Don’t mean to be a downer but it’s getting out of hand. I have a three year old to raise and depression makes parenting very very hard. All I want is to be happy again and feel normal. HELP! Maybe I just need to distract myself from it. It seems to overwhelm me when I’m alone and there’s not much going on around me.

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Dear Sin,

I hate you. You’re a fly that won’t die. You just keep banging your stupid head against the wall, against the window, against anything that gets in your way. So very annoying and unavoidable. Life, and you-the people I cannot bypass. The many weary souls who’ve tried to love me. Tried to reach out and touch me somehow. We keep colliding. I never let anyone in to stay, only little visits along the way. If they stay too long, I know they’ll meet you and then there will be another impossible price to pay.

You, dear sin, keep getting in the way. In my way. In the people’s way. I’ve yelled and screamed and broken things.  All because of you. And this is my confession. I hate what you’ve done to me. To that little girl who used to be so sweet. The guilt is so heavy on her. Why do you hate anything good? That fall from heaven must have hurt. You never could get over it. So you settled on revenge?

I can’t blame you though, I know. These choices are my own. But I will take this shame you bring. I want to hold it for a while. Just long enough to learn and not forget again. And I’ll let you burn me this time, burn in my memory so I won’t forget that playing with you is like playing with fire. No, I won’t forget. I’ll remember your tricks.

You draw me in with your sweet crackling light. I want to feel you. I long to embrace you. And just when I think your safe, you consume me with your never-ending wrath. I’ve hurt good people over my curiosity for you. Good people, who did not deserve the pain. And you loved it. You sat back and laughed with amusement. “There she goes again! Ha Ha! I knew it.”

I wasn’t strong enough to tame you then. Well, I hope you’ve enjoyed your stay here and the many years you’ve sucked from my short life. You won’t be coming back again. Our time together has come to an end. And I know how much you hoped we’d end up together. I know how much you hate it and I don’t care. You’re sick. Who could ever change you now? I wish someone could get through to you and stop the never-ending war you started. But my door is closed now. You’ll have to find a weaker prey to taunt. I’ve learned the truth and I’m through with you.

And though your ashes still lie here around me and in the ripples of my little life, I’ll clean them up in time. Piece by piece. Day by day.  And now you get to be the one betrayed, because I’m going to find your enemy and do whatever he says.

I’m going to help him stop you once and for all. Someone has got to end your madness. But before I jump the gun,  I’ll throw myself down and beg for forgiveness and grace for playing for the wrong team without even realizing it. How foolish did I let myself become?  I won’t ask for mercy, because that I don’t deserve. But if by chance it’s offered me, I’ll take it nonetheless-with my head held down because that’s how you should accept a gift you don’t deserve.

If it takes my whole life and every ounce of me: My youth, my beauty, my life, my sanity. I’ll give them back to You. They were never mine to begin with. So forgive me God and help me forgive myself.

Update on the Weight Loss Battle

I posted a few weeks ago about losing weight and having my thyroid tested. Well I am somewhat happy to report that absolutely nothing is wrong with my thyroid. In fact the Doc said it was in perfect condition and the levels were right where they needed to be. Boy, was that an expensive test of curiosity. 226 dollars to hear that nothings wrong. My husband wasnt’ t to jazzed about that! Oh well, at least I can rule it out as something holding me back. I used to weigh myself every day. It would determine my mood for the entire day whether that number went up or down. Now I weigh myself once every couple of weeks and I find it to be much easier on my mental state of mind, plus it gives me enough time to actually lose something. I’ve lost about 4 pounds over the last 2 months. It’s slowly coming off. Eating right so far has seemed to yield the quickest results. Anyone else finding something that’s working for them? Feel free to share your thoughts and comment. Happy Wednesday!

Happy New Year!

Hello again! It’s been awhile since my last post. Sorry for that! I have no excuse other than laziness. Anyways, I am super excited for 2013. This year will bring many changes for me and my family. We are building a house this year! We have been waiting, planning, and saving for the last 2 years for this so I am so glad it’s finally time. We are pretty set on a lot in Nixa. I don’t know a ton about Nixa but I hope I can make it home and find things to do. I will miss Springfield! Its only about 15 minutes away so I am sure I will come up a lot. Grammy has been spoiled having her only grandbaby living next door! Leighton will miss poppin over there whever she feels like! Anyways I am so blessed to have a husband who know how to build houses. I can’t wait to see what he comes up with this time. He sold his first house a couple years ago and it was beautiful! That’s all for now, hope everyone has an awesome New Year!

Weighed Down

Wow. What a day it has been. I stepped on the scale this morning, and to my horror, found I am the heaviest I have ever been in my entire life. I am 26 years old and have a 3-year-old. I used to weigh around 140 in highschool and was a natural size 8.  My, my what a struggle it has been losing that baby weight. I have tried HCG twice, lost 18 lbs the first time, only 5 the second, and gained it all back and THEN SOME! I can tell you first hand that crash diets don’t work, and usually leave you in worse shape than when you started. I’m like you. I wish it were easy. I wish it were fast. But it’s just not and you have to really want it to see change. It’s not impossible though! In fact, I recall a time when I lost about 8 pounds within a couple of months. I simply ate healthy and smaller portions. I didn’t even work out that much during that time. Exercise is important, but unless you eat clean, healthy food, that weight isn’t gonna budge! So here I am, trying again, for the hundredth time. At least I’m not giving up. I know eventually I will get there. It’s just a long journey and I am praying for endurance. I’m going to start posting more about my progress and what seems to be working to encourage anyone else who is going through this hell of trying to get in shape! God bless you and your goals.

4 Times Before 3!

This weekend will be the 4th time my daughter Leighton will be a flower girl in someone’s wedding, and she’s not even 3 years old yet! I think I should start charging people. Just kidding. I have to admit, it’s pretty cute watching her throw petals down the aisle. I don’t mind at all. If we keep this rate up, she’ll be like that girl from 27 dresses! I’ve saved all her dresses. It will make a cute photo someday when I line them all up next to each other. She’s such a joy. I’m really enjoying mommy-hood lately. Today, when we drove past McDonalds she said, “Mommy! You found my happy meal! You’re such a good girl!” Ha ha. She is saying the craziest stuff lately. I love it.

Mom Friends

The best gifts seem to come unexpectedly. That’s certainly how it happened for me today anyways. I have been thinking a lot lately how nice it would be to meet some other moms with children my daughter could play with. This has been difficult. Since I am a stay home mom, there haven’t been a lot of opportunities for Leighton to interact with other kids other than at church, which I am grateful for of course, but still during the week it would be nice if she could have a little more social interaction.

Anyways, I was pretty bored tonight, so I went to the park nearby our house. I thought well at least Leighton can play with some kids here for a little while. As I was sitting on a park bench watching her, I noticed another mom start to help her over a ladder. I thought, “that’s nice”. Later, we went over to the swings. There were only two, as fate would have it this other mom who helped her up the ladder-her daughter wanted to swing too right next to Leighton. And so we introduced ourselves and began chatting about our girls.

Her daughter, Kate, is also two. The girls acted as instant friends. It was so cute. They grabbed each other’s hands and started running around and then chasing each other. Natalie, the mom, was really intriguing to me. Dark hair, raspy voice, not overly done up but in all black sweats. She was so comfortable and easy to open up to. She seemed so down to earth and cool I instantly knew this was the friend I had been searching for. I think you should strive to be friends with everyone, but there are certain types of personalities you are just going to “click” with. It can’t really be explained. I’m very strong-willed, a leader. I am the first-born. I’ve struggled making friends through the years who could handle my personality and not be intimidated or misunderstood it for coldness. I don’t smile 24/7 though I am quite happy inside. I try to be friendly, but it doesn’t always just flow out of me like it seems to with some women. I’ve always been the one who will give you the brutal truth and not just tell you what you want to hear. Some have been off-put by this but most seemed to have appreciated it.

When I met Natalie tonight, I felt like I met myself in another person’s body. It was weird yet so interesting! I think it will be nice hanging out with someone who thinks like me for a while. It will be simply enjoyable to be with someone who just understands how I’m feeling because they probably feel it too. This isn’t of course to say I don’t want to be friends with people who are different from me. That’s great for other reasons! I married my opposite after-all and he is the love of my life! I just think a moment or two with someone quite like myself will be refreshing. I bet we can really learn from each other.

All this to say, you never know when you might find that thing you’re looking for. Sometimes a simple “hello” is all it takes. God is gracious enough to fill in the blanks for us and align the puzzle pieces just right to make it all work out. This may seem simple, but it’s really been on my mind for many months to find a new friend and especially one with a little girl Leighton could play with. And since I cannot poof this friend into existence, I really have had to rely on God to bring her around. I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but I really think I may have met my dream friend tonight. I will keep you posted!

I love how unpredictable life is. I certainly didn’t plan on meeting my new buddy at a park today, but in my gut I just really felt like I should go. Amazing, how when we listen to that still small inner voice inside it seems to always take us into something good or away from something bad. I encourage you to keep an open heart and listen to your gut. I think God gave us that to protect us and make the most out of life. It’s a blessing. Sometimes we get too distracted to listen. I am seeing Natalie and her sweet little girl next week. Can’t wait to see what happens!